That’s right world… The marriage I was so excited for, and in love with, didn’t go the way that I thought, no matter how much I wanted it to succeed. Life didn’t go as planned, and reality wasn’t exactly as formulated in my mind… Who would have thunk’it, hahaha 🙂 All good, life goes on, and it is what it is 🙂

Although I could live angry, depressed, ruined, etc., there is no benefit, neither for myself, nor hers. I love my wife (currently still married), she’s one of my dearest friends, and I’ll always love her. However, life, many times, will get in the way. And in the end, looking back, we lived a lied life together. We kept ourselves guarded, not communicating our real thoughts and needs, and a few other issues within ourselves, and between each other. Life… with my wife… wasn’t the life either of us truly wanted.

Both her, and I, loved one another, had many of the same interests, been friends for 15yrs on and off being close, and both loved each other’s family whole-heartedly. But in the end, we were doomed from the start, and neither of us would admit it to ourselves, or each other. We so badly wanted to love, be loved, and live this happily-ever-after life together, but deep down, we held back, not letting ourselves be who we are, who we wanted to be, and sacrificed happiness for being content.

I thought I was happy because I loved her and was trying my best to do anything I could to make her happy. But she wasn’t happy with what or how I was trying to make her happy, and I lived in sadness sensing the distance and dissatisfaction of her unhappiness.  Since I was a child it’s been “programmed” in my mind that “a man should be a provider, or else he is worthless”, has caused me to continuously try working more, spending more, and provide materialistic gifts of appreciation. What I thought was loving, to her was empty. Where she thought she showed love, I felt a lack of interaction. We clashed heads from a distance, without arguing, a silent battle between us that was hidden in plain sight.

I have attempted to live a life I wanted; strong, vigilant, dedicated, on track, disciplined, and continually growing for the better. However, my weakness and need of intimacy, my wish for love, and my self-sacrificing tendencies continually de-railed the life I try to live. I let others, that I temporarily love, permanently change the chapters in my book of life. Lost time, I’ll never regain, forever altered into chapters that I had not previously written in my head for the future. I love so much, dedicate and sacrifice until the end, yet never truly let myself be off-guard, because I’m always preparing my escape.

Instead of living the life that I want, that I am driven to succeed towards, I step back, devalue myself, change what I want and desire for someone else’s wants and desires, in hopes of feeling loved, but it’s always been fake, Why? Why, that’s easy, because I let it be fake, because I continually hold back and never allow myself to truly live a real life. Whether work, love, family, I always live for others, and sacrifice myself and needs. In the end, whether you’re truly loved in this world, the only person you can count on always being a part of your life, while you’re living, is yourself. No matter how much someone else loves you, and/or you love them, one of you can unexpectedly leave this life, and the other is left with themselves.

I DO NOT advocate being selfish, but I’ve realized that YOU CANNOT SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR OTHERS (FOR MORE THAN A BRIEF MOMENT). You need to live the life that develops a healthy growth in yourself, and provides a healthy life for those around you. If you don’t provide for yourself, you’ll not have the means to continually provide for those you love around you.

Over the years I have roller-coastered back and forth living a life I want, and living a life I think makes life better for myself and others’ “collective” gains, but often left at the end feeling completely drained, since I dedicate far too much of myself to others, for too little gain. No matter how much I have felt I’m being “happier ” with the person I’m with, afterwards I realize how little of myself is left, and just as I gain momentum of my life developing what I enjoy, I often find myself sacrificing what helps my life, to something that mostly helps that person I’m with and not myself.  If it were momentary, it would be fine, but I dedicate myself until it’s unhealthy for myself (and the person I’m trying to make happy)  until it’s too late, and we’re both left unhappy 🙁

One thing I realised is that I didn’t love myself, not in a horrible way, but that I have spent so much of my life being scared of getting close to others for the risk of getting hurt, that I began to distance myself from getting close to me. I think I’ve scared myself, from… myself. I have hid from love my whole life, that I have refused to learn to love myself. Anytime I begin to get close to myself, and enjoy the life I enjoy living, I close off, get distant, and resist spending any more time with myself. In some way I have grown to feel “selfish” when I begin to enjoy living life the way I want.

This unhealthy lack of love for myself has created a resistance for me to love any other person whole-heartedly (I always kept part of my heart in the dark, to protect it). But now that I have “LOVED” in marriage, and let myself continually ruin love because I couldn’t learn to love myself or others fully, I am growing a better understanding that I must put my past issues and insecurities aside.

What I’ve learned from my failed marriage is the following:

1. If you’re wanting to be loved by someone that deserves AND loves you, then you must let yourself fully love that someone without guard/hesitation, and love yourself.
2. Don’t sacrifice yourself, your ambitions, healthy habits, and desire to grow better, in order to appease, or make someone else happy.
3. Love yourself, do what you can, and need to work through in order, to love yourself.
4. The past may guide you, but should never lead you throughout each decision and/or day.
5. Whether good, bad, or nothing at all, each day is a choice whether to stand or fall.
6. Live to live life, don’t live life to just get by each day. Everyday will not bring happiness, but you must find healthy ways to succeed and follow through life.
7. Don’t let stubbornness get it in the way of your relationships in life, and especially your health. That’s one thing I’ve come close to regretting with death close by.
8. Communicate, don’t just talk, don’t speak to “keep the peace”, you must find the proper way and time to speak what is needed to be spoken to live a healthy life. Talking is easy, communication is difficult, and must be a continual process of reasserting methods, outcomes, and the healthiness of your communication.
9. Don’t hide a life you want to live, you must learn how to accept a healthy means to live the life you want to life that doesn’t harm others, don’t live a lie.
10. Find someone who loves you when you’re in a stage of your life that you love yourself, and living a life the way you want. Don’t settle for less; live for more.

Life is far too short to settle for less. Don’t let life, or love. make you settle for less, or make you lower your standards in life. It may not be instant, it may not be in a month, or even a year, but eventually if you continue to live a life that’s a lie or not what you want, you’ll grow resistant and/or resentful of the person you’re trying to live a life with (whether that’s with someone else, or a life with just yourself).

No matter how much planning, dedication, anticipation, or hesitation, life will continue to roll forward, and you must be flexible and not rigid. You can be harder to mold, but should never resist change entirely. Change can be for the better, often is needed, but if resisted entirely it can lead to worse issues down the road. Think of car oil, if your favorite car oil went out of business and you decided to never put oil in your car again until your brand comes back, how likely will your vehicle run smoothly many years without complications? You must change, adapt, live a better life at least monthly/quarterly. Life WILL NEVER stop, it will continue whether you need a break or not.

Make the best of what life gives you, it will NEVER be great everyday, but you can do your best to try making the best of it. Not all bad news can be turned into good news, that is not what I’m saying, but you can try not dwelling on it for a long stretch of time. Life is life, it doesn’t stop until you’re ready to start living, it will always continue whether you’re ready or not, so do your best to enjoy the moments that come your way, because time (at this time) is un-repeatable/un-reclaimable.

Live to live life, don’t live with death, or failure lurking in you mind constantly. Instead of letting failure cause you to hesitate, try making the fear of inaction to make a better life your real fear. Instead of fearing what others think, if you’re trying to make a better life, you should live a better life, without fear, with determination, with dedication to make this week a better week (by majority) than last week.

Life is life, it’s time YOU AND I beginning living life 🙂

Until next time, keep LivingLife, and take care of yourself and those you love!

Have comments/questions? Please feel free to email me at my2cents@livinglife-blog.com

“Remember, I’m NOT a qualified doctor, trainer, physiologist, philosopher, or have any other certified qualification. I’m only someone who’s passionate to learn & develop personal skills, habits, goals & finding a balance life-style, while sharing my journey through experiences.

– Developer of LivingLife-Blog”